I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I realize that isn’t huge news. Being here at WFX has given me a lot of new things to think about:

Better ways to interact with my church leadership.
Better ways to love on my volunteers.
Better ways to use my audio consoles.
Better ways to build stronger relationships.

I’ve also had plenty of time to think about aspects of my personal life. I’ll be honest, I still haven’t taken the advice given to me and started to pray for Andrea. I haven’t gotten over my pride issue. I haven’t begun to feel clean. And I still worry about the future.

I feel like I am failing at life.

I’m not growing. I’m not maturing.

I am busying myself. I am distracting myself.

It’s like I don’t want to face some of these areas that can be painful. I’m avoiding dealing with them. Like what if I pray for Andrea and I see that she is happy with her life? Deep down, don’t I want her to be unhappy for the pain she caused me? What if I ask God for help with something and He actually helps me out? Deep down, don’t I want to be able to say I did it all myself? What if I surrender my private thoughts? Deep down, don’t I want to be able to think about anything I want? What if I let go of trying to control the future? Deep down, don’t I want to be in control of everything?

Even as I write this, I’m starting to see a pattern: control. Everything in this list is about control. Deep down I still can’t let go and stop trying to control everything.

Okay, people reading this, I guess I need some serious help with this. Because I’m too freaking prideful to ask for myself, I need people to intercede on my behalf. I need to give up the thought that I have control. I need to just let it go. I need to rest in God taking care of everything I need.

Wow, this went in a completely different direction than I thought I was going when I started.

i