A geek's ramblings about life and stuff.
Being stupid
Have you ever made choices in your life that you knew were stupid? I mean you knew that right choice, but instead you chose the complete opposite of what you should do? You haven’t? Good.
Me neither….
The last two weeks or so have just been a series of bad choices. It’s not like I didn’t know better or I was confused as to what God’s standard was. I simply chose to ignore the “right” way.
Basically, this last week has been shitty (I guess my blog is no longer rated G). I’m not even 100% sure how it all started. As you know, I got the divorce papers in the mail last week. I’m pretty sure that was the catalyst for what put me into a downward spiral.
I was angry at Andrea.
I was angry at myself.
But mostly I was angry at God.
How could He let this happen to me? After all the hard work that I’ve done. After all the sacrifices I’ve made. After all I’ve done for God, don’t I deserve to have a healthy marriage again?
I was being selfish and unreasonable.
And here’s the stupid part: instead of telling Him how I felt, I chose to ignore Him. It wasn’t that I felt distant from God or felt that He had left me. It was me pushing Him away. I remember being at Sandals and feeling His presence. Feeling Him wanting me to be close to Him. And all I said was, “I have nothing to say to You.”
I didn’t want to do it God’s way. I wanted to run my life (because that’s always a good idea!). I mean, what did doing it “God’s way” ever get me?
An awesome job?
A beautiful daughter?
A place to stay with an amazing family?
Why would I ever want to do it His way? Who cares if God has big plans and amazing blessings in store for me? What if I had to wait a year before I saw any of those blessings or His plan? What if it was five years? (Remember how my core sins are greed and lust?) I don’t want to wait for Him. I want it my way and I want it now. I just wanted to have a good time. I wanted to be happy and feel good after feeling like crap for the past eight months. I guess that it came down to me being selfish and choosing worldly pleasures over what God wanted for me.
And then, because Satan likes to kick us while we’re down, he popped an idea in my head…
You see, about two weeks ago I had upgraded the hard drive in my laptop. I could have chosen to clone the old one but I wanted to start from scratch. There was a handful of applications that I knew I was going to need to install again, like Chrom, iTunes, Photoshop, etc. For everything else I had just planned on reinstalling them as I need them. But one application slipped through the cracks. It’s a quiet little app. It runs silently in the background. You’d hardly know it was there except for the email you get every week. The app I’m talking about is X3Watch. For about 10 days or so I had assumed it was still on my computer. I thought everything was still honky-dory. But that little, innocent thought of “Hey, I need to reinstall X3Watch again,” turned into “Hey, X3Watch isn’t on my computer anymore…”
It wasn’t good.
I had regressed back into my old ways. I loved being able to control the situation. And no matter what, none of the women on my computer screen will ever say no to me or leave me.
Which that reminds me of something else I’ve been struggling with: affirmation. My top two love languages are Touch and Words of Affirmation. And since I pretty much haven’t had a wife in over eight months, I haven’t had anyone to fill my “love tank” (I realize it sounds corny, but that’s how I heard it in counseling). A few weeks back I was hanging out with this woman and we were having a really great time. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel guilty about being alone with someone of the opposite sex. I felt good being around her. She laughed at my jokes and I could make her smile (AFFIRMATION) Side note: those where two things that initially attracted me to Andrea. There was also physical contact when this woman would playfully hit or shove. You know, the flirty kind of stuff (TOUCH). As you can see, she was (unintentionally) filling my love tank. I was eating it up. I loved every minute of it. But it still wasn’t right. After all, according to the State of California and in the eyes of God I am still married.
We did end up talking and I explained how being around her made me feel and how I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to resist the temptation. I hated that after so long of being emotionally drained I had to cut off this source of what was feeding me. I guess God wanted to be my source for love and affirmation. He was also developing my character. He wanted to see if I would do the right thing. Which, by the way, He had a backup plan for me that I was unaware of. So even if I made the wrong choice and sacrificed my character, I wouldn’t do something I would regret.
Moving on to last night…
Monday nights are my Men’s Group. Basically it’s anywhere form six to ten guys who can spill their guts and hold each other accountable. I wasn’t able to make it last week (see: crazy, ridiculous lighting system project) and I could feel how much I missed it and need to be around these guys. So during last night’s group I laid it all out. I explained exactly how I felt about everything. The bummer about the particular men that were at the group last night is that only one other guy is married. Nobody else there can fully understand what I’m going through on the divorce front. They can however relate to being angry at God. And when I told them how when I look into my little girl’s big, brown eyes and all she wants is a mommy and daddy who love each other, it breaks my heart. The ONE thing she wants I can’t give her. That struck a chord with a few of the guys there. But nothing anybody said really made me feel any better. That was until we split into one-on-one groups and I was really able to share everything that had been on my heart with another man. I’m not exactly sure what it was that he said or how he said it, but I feel better. Maybe it was just that I talked to somebody?
So here’s the good news:
As of this afternoon, I finally prayed to God again. I told Him I was still angry. I also told Him that I realize I’m being unreasonable about it, but at least I’ve started talking to Him again. I’ve also reinstalled X3Watch and re-added all my accountability people to it. I’m not making any promises right now about getting back into reading, although I was given some advice that I should read the book of Habakkuk. I might try that one tonight or tomorrow. I will also make an effort to pray more. I still feel like I have nothing to say, but maybe I should lead with that?
So now you’ve gotten to see a side of me that I’m not proud of and that I hate. And since the Father and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms, the next time you talk with Him, if you could please remember me. I’m not even sure what to ask for, though. It’s not like I need Him to make Himself real to me or to make His presence known to me. I feel Him. I feel His presence. I know He’s with me. I just want this whole mess to be done with.
I want to be normal and whole again.
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Isaiah…..This is the first time I’ve read your blog. I know you are hurting and I know you are giong through some very deep and difficult times. We love you so very much and wish for you all of God’s blessings. It is all a “process” and you are slowlly working through life’s JUNK. We are lifting you and all your concerns up to the Lord . Please hold on fast to God’s promises for you even when you aren’t sure he is listening. “If God brings you to it….He’ll See you through it”!!!!!
All our love ….Juliann and Doug -
hey, i love you and God loves you… funny thing i went through the same thing this past 2 weeks….
i mean not exactly of course, but my anger at God, my confusion, my stubborn heart… i didnt know. no, i didnt want to handle it, i was already overwhelmed, i was already trying, so why try harder, didnt make sense to me, and didnt seem like a good enough reason… but as you know, i learned confession helps and it helped me.. annoyingly enough, lol. i prayed again 2 days ago, exactly where you were, i went to God explaining i really didnt know what to say or where to go in that conversation, but i went with it, then i read the next night, i read Esther and then some of one of the NT books, geeze i dont even remember, lol. but the fact it, im thinking clearer, im acting better, i feel like me again. for the 1st time in months im starting to really feel like ME. what a relief, what a beautiful thing, what, i cant explain in this small text box, but i know God was it. along with the various other little things. but i say this personal thing, since you know i dont share ofter, to give you hope, hopefully. lol. to shine light on your situation, if i can, and to show you your not alone.
i lov you friend, isaiah, im praying for you.
i know there will be an ending to these feeling, im not saying when, i dont know, but i know EVENTUALLY God heals all brokenness… and i know he’ll heal yours….
again, take hope, whatever that can look like for you, grab ahold of it and never let go. run with it, run with God, run with life. live it, experience it, love it. God will bless it. he sees your pain and knows it well.
love you bud! -
Dear Isaiah, This is also the first time I am reading your blog. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I as you, have also felt more than once angry at God. When I lost a baby on 9/23/1992, he lived for 1 hour, and I could not understand why God would take his life and not someone else’s(like someone in jail). I still don’t understand after all these years! But I do believe that things happen for a reason. We may not know the “Why” for a long long time. That is why I try and believe in the Lord to help me to understand. The same is true with divorce. I will give you a piece of advise, since I have been through a divorce. You and Andrea WILL always be in eachothers life because of Emma. Try and always remember that Emma is the MOST important in all this. Please do not talk bad about eachother in front of Emma or in earshot of Emma. Sometimes that might seem sooo hard not to do because one of you is so angry at the other. You really have to pull everything you have out to be the bigger person! Do not let another person that you may bring into Emma’s life and yours to do the same or for that matter anyone! Believe me I am living this right now and it is not a piece of cake! Emma is the most IMPORTANT!!! This is just between you and Andrea, not Emma. I too have make ALOT of mistakes in my life which I wish I could take back and redo, but that is not how life works, unforunately. I did not have God in my life per say, I believed in him, but was confussed and wanted my happiness! I now pray 500 or more times a day to God to help me get through all this mess! It might not happen over night. I have come to that conclusion, but I never keep trying! I also try and remember this too…(I heard this awhile ago), God doesn’t want you to suffer or go through any pain. If he did we would all be dead or non-exsistent! God’s love is pure and good, he wants us to be suffer and pain free! It is Satan who wants us to suffer and be in pain! That is why it is so important to start praying again and know that God will stick with you no matter what! If you need anymore counseling…HEHEHEHE(only kidding)! Sometimes you have to make light of the situation! I love you and have plently of faith in you! Just Believe! Patti
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Kiddo, I wish with all my heart that I could take you in my arms and comfort you like I did when you were a little boy. To tell you that everything is going to be alright and to kiss your “boo-boo” and make it all better. But that’s the thing about becoming an adult, you basically have to deal with your issues on your own. Luckily as an adult, you can still run to your Father in heaven and He will comfort you.
I feel sad for you Kiddo, I feel at a loss as to what to do to help. I feel heart broken for you and Emma. I feel sick for what you are battling inside. I wish I could take away your pain, I wish that I could bring peace and happiness back into your life, I wish that I could make you feel normal and whole again. If I could, I would do ALL those things for you. If I could, I would.